We are greeted every morning with our own self-portrait when we see our reflection in the bathroom mirror. What people don’t realize is that a mirror captures our self-portraits of our emotions every single day. It’s a mental snap shot of who we are that day on that moment. Have you ever laughed at yourself when you wake up and you’re struck by the tornado of hairs swirling above your head? You smile. It’s the first mental self portrait of yourself of the day. When you come back from battling the outside world, you take a quick glimpse of yourself. Do you see the exhaustion on your face? I always do.
In 2019, I had many mental snapshots of my reflection in my head. Those snapshots are of my face crying, red, eyes swollen, sad as if my forehead was tattooed the word “sorrow defeated crazy”. My mental health declined immensely at the end of my relationship with my ex-partner. I would look in the mirror every day and would try to convince myself that I was happy and ready to marry my so-called soulmate but in reality, I was drowning in frustration, stress and heartbreak. The moments of love and acts of service of kindness from him was his main prop in his award-winning performance when gaslighting me. The person I learned to trust selflessly began orchestrate my mental breakdown. During this time, I did seek professional health and with his ‘support’, he made me feel that everything was wrong with me. I was losing myself. One day, he orchestrated a fight so intense that I checked myself into rehab. I was alone. He orchestrated a toxic fight that lead me to check myself into rehab.
During that time, I would look at myself in the mirror and those mental snapshots of my face reflecting my defeated heart was not only heartbreaking but mentally and emotionally, I died inside.
Once discharged, I went back, packed 2 bags and never looked back ever again. The separation caused the deepest depression. Not to feel worthy to live or to be loved is what leads so many people in different ages to commit suicide. Not only did he ruin my mental health, but he made sure I was extremely alone during this time. He separated me from my family, my siblings, all of my friends and without me realizing I was being ‘quarantined’ for years and he managed to isolate me with loads of “love’. Love is truly blind.
During this grieving time, I wouldn’t look at my reflection. I wouldn’t take pictures. My soul died in a living body. Through treatment and religiously going to therapy, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel within 6 months. The transition to get myself out of depression is an experience that will always be part of my identity, part of the woman I am today.
It’s been 16 months since I’ve last seen my abuser. It’s been 16 months of mental rebirth. I remember the mental snapshots of myself every morning when I just wanted to punch the mirror because I did not know who I was. I was so mentally brainwashed by what HE made me believe who I thought I was. When they say, “get help”, it’s not because ‘you’re crazy’, it’s for you, me, understand why we react a certain way and why we feel a certain way. You learn about your triggers to what brings you to your highs and lows. Seeking professional help saved my life because it wasn’t me, it wasn’t just in my head – I was actually a victim of the worse mental abuse and I survived.
Today, I look at myself in the mirror, I love my face I love my mind and my soul. I have not felt like myself in 5 years. I’ve given so much love to others and to myself that the inner child in me is hugging my leg and feels safe. The experience molded me to become a warrior for those who continuously get mentally brainwashed and manipulated.
This selfie is for all of my friends in rehab, for my therapists, for my psychiatrist and for my heart. We did it.
I decided to show my journey through the youthful trend in today’s social media society called Tik Tok. I believe that addressing issues such as mental illness, domestic abuse, and cultural issues through innovative technology is a form of influencing today’s society. There is no blueprint to life however, we can use our life lessons and technology to help others identify themselves and get help.
The app was not difficult to adjust and edit – the challenging part of this project is reflecting back through self-portraits of the past because who I was a few years ago isn’t the person I am today.
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