self-portrait

        My self-portrait is made of several pictures that I took during this hard period. I draw a heart that separates some of the pictures. The reason I made my self-portrait like that because I want to remind myself. Susan Sontag said in ‘On Photography’, “It means putting oneself into a certain relation to the world that feels like knowledge -- and, therefore, like power.” Photography is a way to record, connect, and understand this world. I take photos to record what I see and what happens around me. Photography is a part of my journal that is used to find the connection between me and the world and reexamine myself. You can see there have several pictures that reflect how people’s lives look like under this situation. Such as the pictures I took in the Chinese market. People wear masks and gloves to protect themselves and others. The other two pictures show the empty street and the empty Costco. These pictures show the severity of the epidemic situation and reflect people’s panic. 

        After the University closed, all the classes change to online. I stay at home every day. My roommate and I are international students. We check the news every day, and we feel anxiety when we see the number increasing. At the same time, when coronavirus spread in the United States, discriminations against Asians also come to “surface”. When we know that, we are afraid because this phenomenon makes us feel unsafe, and our families are far away in another country. We only can snuggle up to each other. Because of this, I can’t fell asleep for a while. Until one day, I drink a cup of warm milk which helps me relax. I looked outside of the window and found the tree in our yard which had cut down by the landlord had flowers blossomed on it. There has an old saying in China “blossom on an old tree” which means that old things will have a new development. Even this tree is not that old, this phenome still gives me a signal that everything will get better. I took the photos of the tree. Flowers are small but give me great power which is very positive.

        My mother really worries about me. In order to decrease her nervousness and fears of my situation, I start to take some “small pieces”(photos) of my life, my friend, and my pets; and send them to her. When I look through the photos, I find that there are many beautiful things that I usually “can’t see”. I live in New York. It takes me half an hour to drive to school. Thus, I usually don’t back home until I finish all of my classes. I have dogs, cats, and a ferret. These years of studying in the United States are accompanied by them. But I seem to forget that accompany should be mutual. They don't speak so they seem never to complain about anything. But when they realized that I will stay at home and accompany them every day, I could feel their happiness even they can’t talk. I just notice that one of my cats already six years old. I began to think about one thing. They spend their whole life to accompany me, and how much love I repay to them?

        That’s why I draw a heart and put the pictures of the epidemic situation outside my heart. In such a difficult time, I think I should remind myself to cherish the present I have. Cherish what I have; friends, pets, classmates, professors, and my family. Maybe because of the pace of daily lives are fast, and I always spend the rest of my energy on the phone and computer. Thus, I always miss some beautiful moments and more important things around me. I can't remember how long I didn't take photos with my friends. I can't remember how long I didn't take wonderful pictures for my pets to record their special moments. My phone has been holding in my hand all the time, but I did not record these beautiful moments. I missed the growth of my pet, missed the memories with friends. My father told me, we are always learning something. Learning from the books, learning from the mistakes, and learning from regret. I hoped that after the coronavirus outbreak end, there will be fewer barriers between the countries. Discrimination against color, race, religion, and gender will stop. Get along with each other in the process have more understanding and tolerance. For what we have lost, and what we have right now. Because I had lost my love, I know life is precious. We know the feeling of pain and sorrow, thus, we should know that peace, a stable life, and everything around us is hard-earned. I want to remind myself from now on; cherish what I have, don't wait for the last second.